DRUNK. BLIND.
Is alcohol an aphrodisiac? To answer that you also have to ask yourselves the burning questions: Do chickens have lips? Do bears shit in the woods? You bet your bear ass, it is! It loosens the lips and tongue -- two key components in the exotic, intoxicating dance routine known to Nat Geo fans as “mating.” It has been observed by scientists and barflies alike that two people with synergistic levels of inebriation (and a Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails sexy show soundtrack) will achieve libation-induced sexual liberation within a matter of three songs into any given LGC set list.
However, as the Dead Kennedy’s so thoughtfully warned us, it is possible to go overboard on the stuff and wind up with your timber pointing south -- or if you’re a woman, occasionally passed out on the men’s room floor. So, to ensure that your wood points north, may we suggest that you maintain safe levels of looseness next Friday, March 25th when the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails once again descend upon the Northwood Inn in Mahopac and fling their fantastic pheromones all over the joint. No protection needed. Dance dangerously!Now to BLIND.
Which fiery rebel-rouser had us all seeing red when she introduced a certain LGC face to a piece of broken glass? Sources say she’s done some crazy shit before, but this time...
Wanted. Sort of.
Have you seen this guy?
Neither have we. Not for a long long time. Goes by the name of Jeff Valley, aka Subdude -- our smarmy manager.
Since he beat those morals charges and cleared up that nasty business in Venezuela, you would’ve thought he might resurface, but this shadowy figure is nowhere to found. Last week’s raid on the local motel on Rt. 6 turned up traces of his blood, two or three other people’s blood, a horribly disfigured still smoking souffle and liberal amounts of vaseline and battery acid. But the trail was cold by the time the feds kicked the door in.
It’s actually kind of a misnomer to refer to him as our manager. After all, the only work The Cocktails have ever gotten through Jeff Valley were disasterous gigs at a nursery (nothing but shrubs), a nursery school (nothing but pink eye) and a near-riot at an Al-Anon Meeting. Still, we gave him another chance -- the promise of that Superbowl Halftime gig did sound rather appealing.
Little did we realize it was all a ruse -- nothing but an excuse to get back into our good graces and into our Band Kitty (the stash, not the feline, although we wouldn’t put that past him either).
So here we are again, broke as the day we bought Harvé a keyboard, all because we put our trust in a guy that managed to run himself over with his own van. So when you see us again at The Sunset House in Peekskill on February 15th, please throw money at us, or at the very least, show us your boobies.
And if you spot Jeff Valley lurking at one of our gigs, give him the following message -- “We still love ya man, Boy George tattoo and all.”
The Sweet Spot
We’ll make it up to you if it’s the last goddamn thing we do! Drop by the Sunset House (a delicious bar of ill repute) on September 21st at 137 N. Water St. and raise your glasses to help us ring in whatever needs to be rung. We’ll be ones on stage wearing the guitars and stuff. Now, where’s my refill?
©2017 The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails site design by "Harvé Bangwaller" Contact the Management