Snow Blown
Well, that’s what we get for poking fun at Rudolph’s drinking problem -- the Storm of the Century! That sucker blew in and iced what promised to be a show of enormous holiday proportion.But have no fear, Sugar Plums! We’re revving the whole shebang back up again, January 16th at 10 pm, with the LGC Ghost of Christmas Passed Spectacular at Sues’s Sunset House in Peekskill.
Featuring the return of Mai Tai Mike on guest guitar and as always, of course... the nicest, naughtiest group of gift-wrapped Go-Go dancers to ever melt a North Pole - THE LUSCIOUS LUSHES!
It’ll be like the holidays came and went and came again! Pass the tissues!
And then, even before you’ve had a chance to clean the reindeer droppings offa your Go-Go boots, we make a triumphant return to Arlene’s Grocery in NYC, as part of a triple-header to benefit the Abingdon Theatre Company’s production of Greek Holiday (which will feature none other than Mrs. Bangwaller). That’s two days later, January 18th, from 5 - 8 pm. Also on the bill: D’Haene and The Mighty Weaklings.
Rudolph With Your Nose So Bright... You Really Need More Scotch Tonight?
(Guess Blitzen’s DUI’s finally caught up with him.)Anyho, ho, ho....
Time to rev up all our reindeer drinking games again, hang mistletoe in all the most strategic positions (beltbuckles) and rock your stockings off in the holliest, jolliest way we know how... by dropping our Xmas Yule Log Rock Show on Sues’s Sunset House (December 19th @ 10 pm).
Featuring the return of Mai Tai Mike on guest guitar and as always, of course... the nicest, naughtiest group of gift-wrapped Go-Go dancers to ever melt a North Pole -- THE LUSCIOUS LUSHES!
For Amber Waves
of Grain (Alcohol)...
Now that the election is over and our hangovers are dissipating (You try playing an election night drinking game where you have to do a shot every time somebody says “too close to call”) it’s time to transition from Barack n Roll back to plain old Rock n Roll with renewed vigor. And that’s a campaign promise the LGC intends to keep! We’ll be playing our usual home away from home, Sue’s Sunset House, on Friday, November 21, but then a mere two days later, we’re honored to be playing More Sugar’s 15th Anniversary Party on Sunday, November 23rd. Details are sketchy as of now, but then again, so are we.
Drink Up, Throw Down, Throw Up
Meanwhile the LGC are busy planning their costumes and calendars around the return of The Scared Stiffs — rising from the grave for two nights of bone-chilling, flesh-eating Halloween fun. Whoever said “rock is dead” must have just come from a show creature-featuring these guys!
Oh yeah, may we once again recommend the latest LGC libation below — THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. Never has a more disgusting cocktail been more appropriate for a holiday — seriously, this thing looks like a pavement oyster suspended in formaldehyde... ENJOY!
1 oz Peach Schnapps
1 tsp Bailey's Irish Cream
2 drops Grenadine
Pour the Peach Schnapps into a large shot glass. Slowly add the Bailey's and top with the grenadine.
Oh, by the way (shssssh), Mystery Gig in November....
New Lenders of the Apocalypse
Speakin' of drinkin'... refresh your glass and sit your ass down to check out our new videos -- covers of Paul Revere and the Raiders’ “Just Like Me,” fresh off the edit assembly line (thanks, Lori!) and Foghat’s “I Just Wanna Make Love to You” (thanks, ‘iddle Tommy) mixed up for your immediate consumption.
Atom Smashed
A Lifesize Gorgeous Toast to the newly revved-up giant Swiss Proton Beam Particle Collider which will either:
- Finally reveal the deep dark mysterious origins of the genesis of our planet
- Open up matter-eating black holes which will ultimately destroy our planet.
At this point, either outcome is sort of okay with us. If it is truly the beginning of the end, then we leave you with these delectable shots of the gang at Otto’s Birthday Bash a couple of weeks ago, where atom-smashing and sour mashing coexisted in equal measure.
But if the only black hole in our future is Sarah Palin’s, then by god get your ass to the next Sunset House gig in Peekskill, Friday, September 19th. That’s back to FRIDAYS. Take note Calendar Girls!
And if we somehow manage to cling to our mortal coils beyond that, there’s The Scared Stiff’s own Chris Laubis’ annual Birthday Crusade happening (and we mean happening) at Seany B’s in Millbrook, NY on October 11th. Bands sharing the stage with The LGC are slinky voodude rockers Black Cat Xing and rode-hard-and-put-way-wet journeymen, Steel Rodeo.
Besotted Otto
Next up - a private party that’s so private that to tell you it’s location would mean certain death... so we’ll just leave it at that. Cheers!
May all of Otto’s Wishes Come True...
Here’s Otto with two of his biggest fans, TNA Wrestling’s own Salinas (aka Vampire Girl) who offered to blow out Otto’s candles to honor his birthday, (aka Otto’s big bounce from The Wombar).
It’s gonna be an LGC smash to end all bashes, with special guest star Sloe Jim Fizz on rusty harmonica, the return of those beautiful and talented Goddesses of Gyration, The Luscious Lushes, and the rare rumored-to-be-true reappearance of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard: The Scared Stiffs!
Save the date or tempt the fate!
Stewed Da Baker
If you’re going DUI, you might as well DIY in style — with a 383 six pak powered, 500 horse ’66 Dodge Charger boasting a worked 727 torque flite trans and a 3:91 posi rear. (Plenty of grunt to blow up any skirt!) Here’s Stewed gearing his ride up for Otto’s Birthday Bash at The Sunset House in Peekskill on Saturday, August 23rd, featuring the steamy return of our very own Goddesses of Gyration: The Luscious Lushes.
ALSO a rare rumored-to-be-true reemergence of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard — The Scared Stiffs!
Be there or beware!
Time Flies
When You're Having Rum
Summer’s swinging and the blender’s getting more action than an Army Base Liquor Store Hooker. All of which leads us to the evil pleasures of Rum -- the cheap, murky mistress of mariners worldwide.
While some members of our favorite band, like “Bosun” Brown Tornado, strictly follow Captain Morgan off the plank, others like Otto prefer the landscape-erasing, tsunami effects of a fine Jamaican White Overproof. Stewed, of course enjoys his Mount Gay.
Whatever your pleasure, rum’s no fun unless it’s imbibed in true witch doctor fashion -- mixed with several other paralyzing poisons of the central nervous system, some fresh fruit, and served in what else? A handsomely horrific Tiki mug!
So da doo rum rum until you da don’t no more! And do stay tuned -- the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are taking July to learn new songs to unleash on the unsuspecting masses August 23rd (Otto’s Birthday!) at the Sunset House in Peekskill.
Okole Maluna!
Highballs and Lowlifes
The LGC emerged from their May mini-tour smelling like a rose....A rose that smelled like it was watered with stale beer for a month.
A rose where all the petals have been ripped off in a violent "they love us, they love us not" contest.
By the way -- consensus is they love us, but we all know love is a prickly thing.
Anyway, here are our top seven May Magic Moments:
1. Mai Tai Mike’s face-melting special guest guitar appearance on the Foghat version of “I Just Want To Make Love To You.” Look for more of that!
2. Mike and Andrea showing up at Seany B’s and smiling the whole damn time.
3. A floor full of ten-year-olds momentarily paralyzed by the power of rock.
4. Sloe Jim Fizz guest-starring on a Yardbirds romp, dragging notes out of his harp like a caveman in love.
5. The Manhattan Mamapalooza Project -- no DUI’s!
6. The Return of the Lady in White, who graced us once again with her spastic cosmic hump-and-grind.7. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken power amp, we thank our friends who never fail to come out and see us whenever they can. We owe you a drink!
Mixing it up in Millbrook
Cocktails Pound Manhattan
Thanks to everybody who travelled from near and far (that’s YOU, Philly gang!) to witness the event. Special thanks to Mamapalooza’s own Joy Rose and Randy “The Big Man” Bigness for mixing it all together, and cheers to all the other talent who shared the stage.
Check out the new photos on the Various Shots of 2008 page!
Next up: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are puttin’ the moves on -- moving to SATURDAYS at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Starting THIS Saturday the 24th for all you imbibers. Be there or beware!
“Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
'Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's all right, all right, all right!”
Full Moon Fever
What is it about that big old silver rock in the sky that draws all the crazy critters out of the swamp? This past Friday night the She-Devil Brigade was out in full force vexing shocked onlookers with their hip-shakin’, back-breakin’ voodoothatyoudo dance moves.Special thanks to the mysterious Lady in White, who repeatedly flashed the crowd before devouring some hapless (yet happy) mustachioed man on the dance floor, right before our bloodshot bewildered eyes.
(Editor’s Note – next time you bring out the Twin Milkmaids, make sure you face the band. We’re the ones working for it, for God's sake!)
April Showers bring Whiskey Sours
The Whiskey Sour is a famous mixed drink that originally featured an unholy cacophony of ingredients – bourbon whiskey, lemon juice, sugar and a yes, Rocky fans - dash of egg white. Initiate gag reflex sequence now. Interesting side note - it’s also famous for being Otto’s introduction to the Wonderful World of Wasted! Seems Otto’s old Uncle Salty thought it would be hilarious to see the wee tween slip around the sloop in a slick of his own vomit. Let the good times roll, Salty!But hey, we all forgive and forget (except for Otto, who “accidentally” ran his Uncle Salty through with a rusty gaff in 1985) and we’re willing to now accept Whiskey Sours (sans embryo and Pixie Stix Mix) temporarily back into the LGC's officially sanctioned Cocktail Corner. Which brings us somewhat awkwardly to promoting the next Sunset House Show on April 18. We’re counting down the weeks, the days and the sours till the next time we have the honor to rock for you!
The Shakes
Sorry it’s been a while -- rehab’s a bitch. Last week’s back-to-back shows at The Sunset and Seany B’s went spectacularly (is that a word?) and special thanks to Chris and all the bands who shared the bill. But like all good alkies, we needed to dry out for a day or two. Three days max. 
Luckily we had a lot of other diversions to fill our time -- like fitful sleep, Easter candy orgies, paranoid delusions and uh... crap, there must be something else... oh yeah, The Shakes!
But now we’re back off the wagon and better than ever. Matter of fact, we’re channeling all our new found, recently-lubricated creative energy into crafting the finest LGC show yet-- which we plan to unleash on the unsuspecting girl-on-girl-grinding public Friday April 18th at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Be present or The Brown Tornado will personally visit you at work and blow ill wind in your general direction, which I assure you, is most unpleasant.Good Friday Gone Bad
St. Patty’s Day is coming up. It’s almost upon us. And by that I mean the oceans of green-tinted puke that will almost certainly soak your shoes, car, and dog, should you decide to venture forth from the relative safety of your home this upcoming Monday the 17th. Here’s an alternate plan -- store up your thirst for a couple of extra days and come out swinging to Peekskill’s Sunset House on Good Friday Gone Bad, Friday the 21st. It’s a Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails show you’ll never forget... until the next day of course, when you also won’t be able to remember how you got home or how you ended up with a Shetland pony in your bathtub.Then (provided we all survive) we’re draggin’ our collective rock-hard glutes up to Seany B’s in Millbrook the next night, Saturday the 22nd, where the LGC keep the Guinness Express rolling - taking part in a Poptown Records extravagasm, with international songman Michael Weston King and two other shit-kicking bands.
Erin Go Braless!
Love Sick
Sometimes the glass is half full and sometimes the glass is knocked out of your hand by a sauced sociopath “dancing” to a Deep Purple tune.
Our VD gig fell somewhere in the middle, with the Asian BirdSwine flu wiping out two-thirds of The Luscious Lushes and invading our perfect bodies as well. The result was a rare Lushless event complete with a ton of tissues and a performance that can only be described as “classic.”
Next up -- a Friday March 21st post-St. Patrick’s celebration at The Sunset House in Peekskill (just keep drinking and you won’t notice it’s four days later), followed by the band’s triumphant return to Seany B’s in Millbrook, supporting Poptown Records' own international recording artist and UK’s favorite troubadour, Michael Weston King. Details to follow.
If we don’t see you at one of these shows, Stewed will personally come to your house and narrow your broadband.
Love means never having to say you’re wasted
Uh, oh -- it’s that time of year again when Cupid loads his bow and goes gunning for the lonely and unattached. Love is in the air, chocolate’s in the box and the edible undies are flying off the shelves. Come fishing for your soul mate this Friday, February 15th at The Sunset House in Peekskill when the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails take the stage and spread the love like flu through a pre-school.
Or, if you're already sporting a soul mate, bring him/her to the show, as we will be whipping up a legendary pheremone gumbo for your grinding pleasure.
Wanted. Sort of.
Have you seen this guy?
Neither have we. Not for a long long time. Goes by the name of Jeff Valley, aka Subdude -- our smarmy manager.
Since he beat those morals charges and cleared up that nasty business in Venezuela, you would’ve thought he might resurface, but this shadowy figure is nowhere to found. Last week’s raid on the local motel on Rt. 6 turned up traces of his blood, two or three other people’s blood, a horribly disfigured still smoking souffle and liberal amounts of vaseline and battery acid. But the trail was cold by the time the feds kicked the door in.
It’s actually kind of a misnomer to refer to him as our manager. After all, the only work The Cocktails have ever gotten through Jeff Valley were disasterous gigs at a nursery (nothing but shrubs), a nursery school (nothing but pink eye) and a near-riot at an Al-Anon Meeting. Still, we gave him another chance -- the promise of that Superbowl Halftime gig did sound rather appealing.
Little did we realize it was all a ruse -- nothing but an excuse to get back into our good graces and into our Band Kitty (the stash, not the feline, although we wouldn’t put that past him either).
So here we are again, broke as the day we bought Harvé a keyboard, all because we put our trust in a guy that managed to run himself over with his own van. So when you see us again at The Sunset House in Peekskill on February 15th, please throw money at us, or at the very least, show us your boobies.
And if you spot Jeff Valley lurking at one of our gigs, give him the following message -- “We still love ya man, Boy George tattoo and all.”
