DRUNK. BLIND.
Is alcohol an aphrodisiac? To answer that you also have to ask yourselves the burning questions: Do chickens have lips? Do bears shit in the woods? You bet your bear ass, it is! It loosens the lips and tongue -- two key components in the exotic, intoxicating dance routine known to Nat Geo fans as “mating.” It has been observed by scientists and barflies alike that two people with synergistic levels of inebriation (and a Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails sexy show soundtrack) will achieve libation-induced sexual liberation within a matter of three songs into any given LGC set list.
However, as the Dead Kennedy’s so thoughtfully warned us, it is possible to go overboard on the stuff and wind up with your timber pointing south -- or if you’re a woman, occasionally passed out on the men’s room floor. So, to ensure that your wood points north, may we suggest that you maintain safe levels of looseness next Friday, March 25th when the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails once again descend upon the Northwood Inn in Mahopac and fling their fantastic pheromones all over the joint. No protection needed. Dance dangerously!Now to BLIND.
Which fiery rebel-rouser had us all seeing red when she introduced a certain LGC face to a piece of broken glass? Sources say she’s done some crazy shit before, but this time...
Deliciously Delinquent.
The Hey Baby Cancer Awareness Event was a blast -- literally. One of my guitars blew up due to a lethal combo of humidity, pelvic friction and all the free beer that was made available to the band. But all hail King Jimmy Buddy Ox, Skip, Bobby and the rest of the boys for making a big day out feel more like a high school reunion. (You know, like a cool reunion, like the 5th -- before everybody gets boring and fat.)
Let’s see, then there was the Spruce Hill show, then there was… shit, I forget. They don’t call ‘em Mind Erasers for nothing! Oh yeah, somewhere in there Roxy got cheeky with Deadbolt main man Harley Davidson. Scary voodoo girl!Next up, this Friday the 21st, Sue’s Sunset House. Come on out and rock till you plop. It’s Ladies Night! (That’s not official, I’m just calling it that so more ladies show up)
You Say You Want a Resolution…
So to save ourselves the guilt and embarrassment of not living up to some stupid goals, we’re promising ourselves jack-bodiddly. But we do promise you, our besotted battalions of friends and fans, that we will be back in February with a renewed sense of wreckless rock (and driving) and the vow that we will make 2010 the most bestest year to ever follow 2009! We promise.
Cross our eyes and hope to die.
In the trenches with The LGC
Big Stiff Cocktails, The Crawling Eye and Things that go Dump in the Night
Yes, little prawns of Satan, there is much floating in the Devils’ Punchbowl this month. First of all, Halloween comes early (usually it has much more staying power) with a wicked weekend of dual-action, ghoul-action, fire and brimstone gin-stoned rawk!First The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails light it up this upcoming Friday the 16th at Sue’s Sunset House in PeeksKILL, featuring the long-awaited
return of those voluptuous voodoo priestesses, The Luscious Lushes! Girls got new go-go boots and they’re gonna dance all over you.Then Sunday the world’s greatest undead live act belches forth from the grave to scare the pants off every girl within 3.7 miles: The Scared Stiffs return to decimate and desecrate Terror Tom O’Reilly’s own More Sugar Halloween Smash.
In related band news, Dr. Harvè Bangwaller had his crawling eye popped out and replaced by a newer, shinier one.
Word is he’s recovering not-so-nicely and will stare a hole through you if you don’t buy him a drink on Friday. Wood eye?! Harelip! (very, very old joke)
Then in other band-related news (literally) Chris from the Stiffs and his lovely lady Arlene popped out perfect twins this past Wednesday. Zane and ‘Nova, welcome to the world! I’ll drink to that! Although nurses were apparently shocked that the babies arrived with black nail polish....Speedy recovery all and get some sleep Chris and Harvè - we got gigs this week! (see above)
From a fever dream
Spring Cleaning
Backstage at the New York Dolls show, David Johannsen begged Roxy for a photo op.
Otto Wino discovers boxed wine and wonders if it comes coffin-sized.
Stewed Driver scours Englishtown in search of the next perfect posi-rear.
Pauli Dangerously eases into Downward Dog position and reemerges four days later.
Harvé Bangwaller stops the world, and melts with Hugh.
Dickie Mellonball nurses his ears and develops an unhealthy attraction to Hannah Montana.
The LGC will raise the bar (and then close it) May 15th at Sue’s Sunset House and then sizzle their lilywhite tavern tans in actual sunlight when they play the Putnam Valley Town Day, Saturday May 23rd from 1:00 - ? Live music all day! Featuring The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, The Barfly Orchestra, Hey Baby and more! Leonard Wagner Memorial Park, Oscawana Lake Road. Benefits the Putnam Valley Dog Shelter and the Putnam Valley Food Pantry: bring canned goods, etc. Refreshments, farmers market, volleyball, art for kids. And did we mention LIVE MUSIC! ALL DAY!
Yo Ho Ho
and a Case o' Captain Morgan
Pauli is rumored to be the direct descendant of one Edward Teach, best known to history as Blackbeard the Pirate. It’s been reported that The Tornado (you can call him Brownbeard) has been operating in the North Atlantic, the Caribbean and has even been sighted on the Hudson River and Lake Oscawana. A Gemini, sporting the rare two dark sides, The Tornado is also rumored to have a lucrative consulting position with the Somalis. Fathers, hide your daughter’s booty!
Recent photographic evidence suggests that when he’s not slamming the skins with the LGC, that he’s been known to go aloft on his square-rigged ship “Queen Anne’s Revenge Again.” This photo courtesy of an anonymous officer serving on His Majesty’s ship “Doubtful.”
New Lenders of the Apocalypse
Speakin' of drinkin'... refresh your glass and sit your ass down to check out our new videos -- covers of Paul Revere and the Raiders’ “Just Like Me,” fresh off the edit assembly line (thanks, Lori!) and Foghat’s “I Just Wanna Make Love to You” (thanks, ‘iddle Tommy) mixed up for your immediate consumption.
Stewed Da Baker
If you’re going DUI, you might as well DIY in style — with a 383 six pak powered, 500 horse ’66 Dodge Charger boasting a worked 727 torque flite trans and a 3:91 posi rear. (Plenty of grunt to blow up any skirt!) Here’s Stewed gearing his ride up for Otto’s Birthday Bash at The Sunset House in Peekskill on Saturday, August 23rd, featuring the steamy return of our very own Goddesses of Gyration: The Luscious Lushes.
ALSO a rare rumored-to-be-true reemergence of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard — The Scared Stiffs!
Be there or beware!
Time Flies
When You're Having Rum
Summer’s swinging and the blender’s getting more action than an Army Base Liquor Store Hooker. All of which leads us to the evil pleasures of Rum -- the cheap, murky mistress of mariners worldwide.
While some members of our favorite band, like “Bosun” Brown Tornado, strictly follow Captain Morgan off the plank, others like Otto prefer the landscape-erasing, tsunami effects of a fine Jamaican White Overproof. Stewed, of course enjoys his Mount Gay.
Whatever your pleasure, rum’s no fun unless it’s imbibed in true witch doctor fashion -- mixed with several other paralyzing poisons of the central nervous system, some fresh fruit, and served in what else? A handsomely horrific Tiki mug!
So da doo rum rum until you da don’t no more! And do stay tuned -- the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are taking July to learn new songs to unleash on the unsuspecting masses August 23rd (Otto’s Birthday!) at the Sunset House in Peekskill.
Okole Maluna!
Wanted. Sort of.
Have you seen this guy?
Neither have we. Not for a long long time. Goes by the name of Jeff Valley, aka Subdude -- our smarmy manager.
Since he beat those morals charges and cleared up that nasty business in Venezuela, you would’ve thought he might resurface, but this shadowy figure is nowhere to found. Last week’s raid on the local motel on Rt. 6 turned up traces of his blood, two or three other people’s blood, a horribly disfigured still smoking souffle and liberal amounts of vaseline and battery acid. But the trail was cold by the time the feds kicked the door in.
It’s actually kind of a misnomer to refer to him as our manager. After all, the only work The Cocktails have ever gotten through Jeff Valley were disasterous gigs at a nursery (nothing but shrubs), a nursery school (nothing but pink eye) and a near-riot at an Al-Anon Meeting. Still, we gave him another chance -- the promise of that Superbowl Halftime gig did sound rather appealing.
Little did we realize it was all a ruse -- nothing but an excuse to get back into our good graces and into our Band Kitty (the stash, not the feline, although we wouldn’t put that past him either).
So here we are again, broke as the day we bought Harvé a keyboard, all because we put our trust in a guy that managed to run himself over with his own van. So when you see us again at The Sunset House in Peekskill on February 15th, please throw money at us, or at the very least, show us your boobies.
And if you spot Jeff Valley lurking at one of our gigs, give him the following message -- “We still love ya man, Boy George tattoo and all.”
Gore Gets Gorgeous!
It’s our favorite time of year again: When terror turns tacky, lawn art celebrates death and dismemberment, sugar-stoned kids in serial killer costumes roam the streets, and gore gets gorgeous! Halloween, baby! A great excuse to dress up and down some deadly grog before heading out with a dozen rotten eggs and some toilet paper. Normally the LGC does Halloween to death with a mega-party, but this year we’re laying low and staying home, stuffing razor blades into apples. (Translation: learning new songs.)
Fear not - we’re saving it all up for the Sunset gig on Friday, November 16th. In the meantime, here’s some embarrassing shots from last year’s Halloween Hootenanny at the legendary Sand Bar (R.I.P.). Turning tricks and getting treats… smell my feet!
RUMOR OF THE WEEK – Dickie Mellonball was actually born Micqui Mellonball, a 9 pound 8 ounce bouncing baby Mexican girl. 
A Regular Appearance AND the Metamucil Puzzle Winner!
The winner of our unannounced contest is a Mr. or Ms. S. Rarfell of Putnam Valley. Congrats to the winner of a solo lapdance from our own "Foxy" Roxy (she of the very beautiful lips and teeth)! May you two find bliss -- or your ways to our monthly gig at the Sunset House, at least!